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When you leave God behind


In October 2021, I was diagnosed with Chronic Kidney Disease Stage 4 (CKD-4). The doctor told me that my kidneys can only function at 25%. She also noticed my swelling ankles. It indicates that the kidneys are unable to flush excess fluids. So, once the kidneys are damaged, it cannot heal and deteriorate gradually. The only remedy is kidney transplant or by the grace of God, a miracle. I could not just accept it, and I refuse to believe the doctor.
            Being sick is not easy, particularly when it is a chronic a one. I struggled and I got depressed. I prayed that someone would donate a kidney for me. The more I long for answers, confusions came instead. I got angry to God and asked Him questions about my situation. It affected my journey of becoming an Oblate. I lost interest in praying and in attending community schedules. Because of my situation, I felt that I could not escape it and I told God that I want to die immediately. Since got no clarity of my disease, I just left God behind me.
            Furthermore, we had individual consultation with our formator. This time I asked him, “how will I be able to continue my vocation with my situation?” He answered me, “how will you be able to make yourself available for the community and for God?” This was God’s answer. I realized that I am still able to participate in community activities. The, I slowly attended prayers and even prayed more when I feel sad and tired of thinking about having CKD. This one specific answer made me trust and have faith in God and mobilized me to keep me on track on becoming an Oblate.
            With my family, we searched for a potential donor, and we finally got one. It was my youngest sister! This is one is already a miracle! She was willing to give one of her kidneys, but I must wait since she was pregnant that time. So, I waited, and I had to undergo a few sessions of hemodialysis. After she gave birth, we waited for some time that she is cleared to donate, and then we can proceed with the paper works and laboratory work up. By the we are done with the work up, we were given date of operation. Finally, last July 27, 2024, the kidney transplant was done successfully and today marks the third month of my post-kidney transplant journey. My sister is now back to work, and she is taking care of her daughter with her partner.
            In our gospel for today, we are reminded to have a faith like Bartimaeus. As a blind man, he may have accepted his fate to be blind until he dies, but he did not lose hope of being healed. He may have lost faith in God, but what he did was to recognized Jesus. He may not believe what he heard about Jesus, but he kept it in his heart that this will be the man who will give him sight. Because of being blind, he became an instrument for others to keep the faith and trust in God’s again.
When I was blinded by my lowest moments, I leave God behind as a reaction of not having a clear understanding of the situation. In this moment, God stays behind because He sees that I am important than my suffering. Sometimes, God allows Himself to stay behind to help us see things only Him can see. When you leave God behind, He sees is the person in front of Him. God tells us, just move forward; I got your back.
-Bro. Romar Bastian, OMI

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